Have you ever known someone who seems to have it all, and be doing it all?
They are the Go-To Employee at work for new assignments, or to head up a new committee; they are even the Go-To Parent for their kid’s ball team or cheer squad. They are the person in your group of friends, or family who take on the role of pulling everyone together. They are there to make sure birthdays and other milestones are not forgotten, and they are the sibling who reliably looks after your aging parents (without being asked)! They do the appointments, the medication and the grocery shopping despite the fact they live twice as far as you do!
Or perhaps YOU are that person, or are on track to becoming that person…
There’s a saying, “if you want something done, give it to a busy person.” And it’s so true! On the other hand, when taken to an extreme, said Busy Person can become the dumping ground for everything. And because they have set themselves up as the “Go-To” person, they will not complain (at least not directly to you) and they eventually burn out, check out, or become miserable.
Do you ever wonder why some people are so darn busy?
Perhaps YOU are that person, or are on track to becoming that person…
When someone feels taken for granted (at work or at home, with family, or friends) it is reasonable for them to feel used or taken advantage of, as if no one appreciates them – and many times that’s true! Think about it … Have you ever thought, “Oh Andy (or Jane) will take care of that … they love doing that stuff, and I don’t have time anyway!”? We’ve all been there!
Over time, your default-choice, and your pre-decided go-to person will become tired, moody, anxious or depressed. They start feeling resentful to everyone around them. Typically, they are afraid to stop doing what they have been doing thus far because then they will be criticized or accused of slacking, or not being themselves.
They may actually realize that they are the ones who have set up this cycle of behaviour, become annoyed with themselves and cannot figure out how to break this cycle! Sometimes they start behaving uncharacteristically, responding to requests with sarcasm, or avoiding any sort of response.
Other times they simply snap, say no and leave everyone wondering, “What just happened!”
When someone spends all their time making sure everyone, and everything is taken care of (at home or at work), most often it comes at the expense of themselves. How so? They are not getting what they are giving to everyone else. They are not creating space or circumstances that allow someone else to share the load, or do something for them. They don’t take the time to treat themselves and do something for themselves, JUST BECAUSE. This problem may only come to light after an extended period of time, once behaviours and attitudes have become a habit. Sometimes a lifelong habit.
Perhaps YOU are that person, or are on track to becoming that person…
A beautiful client of mine has come to the realization that because she was determined to never appear “needy” in any way, shape or form, those around her treated her as though she truly didn’t need anything. As a result, she was denied the love, respect, appreciation and nurturing that she needed. In fact, she was taken for granted on so many levels that she came to believe she didn’t deserve the basic love and care she wanted. This is a habit that can be traced back to her early years.
The good news is that following a change in life circumstances she is very aware of this pattern and well on the path to creating a life filled with love, respect, appreciation AND passion, all starting with her own beliefs and behaviours. The coolest thing is that she is taking responsibility for the role she played in getting to this point in her life, and taking full responsibility for treating herself differently! She appreciates her gifts and talents; she knows her value at work and with her family; she is learning to give AND receive with grace. This is an exciting new chapter and she is glowing. I am so happy for her.
As human beings we want, need and deserve to be loved! To be cared for, respected and appreciated. If we don’t love, care for, respect, or appreciate ourselves the message we send to others is that we don’t need, want or deserve any of the above. Unfortunately, the reasons behind this behaviour can be complex and for some, it takes years to understand the detrimental effect that self-undervaluing has.
When you say, “Yes” to others, make sure you are not saying “NO” to yourself. #DontForgetAboutYOU
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If you are the Go-To Person for everything and are starting to (or already) feel the effects of over-doing or over-giving, ask yourself a few questions:
I am always there for everyone else, but am I really there for me? Why / Why not? There is a reason that adults are asked to put their oxygen masks on first … so they can better look after their children, or others in need. This applies to you too! Look after yourself first – guilt free!
What boundaries can I set that allow me to continue to support others and still do what I need for me? Hint: Commit to taking on x projects. After that, “No” is a perfectly acceptable response AND a complete sentence! And “NO” will be a “YES” to you!
If I set aside time, just for me, what would I do? How would I feel? Make a list of things to do just for you, just for fun. Then book it!
Even though I feel underappreciated, how do I respond when someone does say, “Thank you”? Do I accept that with grace, or deflect it as if I do not deserve their thanks?
Many people who are extremely “other focused” routinely deflect compliments. Often there is an underlying belief that they are unworthy in some way. If this is the case for you, consider taking time to understand why. From there, you are better positioned to shift those beliefs. In the meantime, welcome the next compliment and receive it with a genuine “Thank you! I appreciate that.”
If compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete (unknown)
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